Sears: Hello, Mr. Locally? This is Sears calling to thank you with your recent vacuum purchase. Just to let you know, this call is monitored for quality assurance. Mr. Locally, is your vacuum working properly?

Me: Yeah, otherwise I would've returned it. Don't you have the records in front of you?

Sears: I just wanted you to know, we're offering a discounted warranty at this time. We also show you have a camera you purchased in 2004 who's warranty expired...

Me: Yeah, that camera's been broken for a year. Can I still buy the extended warranty?

Sears: No sir, you cannot...

Me: Ok, the camera still works. Now if it breaks tomorrow, can I get my new camera?

Sears: Is it broken?

Me: No.

Sears: Ok sir, if the camera still works, you can purchase the warranty...

Me: When can I return my broken camera and get the new one? I'm going on vacation in 3 weeks.

Sears: Sir, is the camera broken?

Me: No. Did you say this call is being recorded? You're in on this too. We're gonna stick together on this one, and I'm getting a new camera. Do you like vacations?

Sears: Who doesn't? Sir, would you like for us to call you back?

Me: Why? Let's pull this scam off right now...

Sears: Let's schedule a call back when you've made a final decision...

Me: Yeah, that sounds good. Call me back. We might have to do this a couple of more times.

Sears: Ok, sir? When will you be available?

Me: How about tomorrow night. I think the camera might be broken after that.

Sears: What time would you prefer us to call you?

Me: Late. I do my best talking then. How late can you call me?

Sears: 9pm.

Me: Can you make it 9:30? I've gotta prepare myself.

Sears: Sure, 9:30 your time. I'll schedule you for the latest available time.

Me: Actually, could you make it 10? I'll be at the liquor store. To be honest, I find your voice a little annoying, but at 10:05 you're gonna sound hot.

Sears: Sir, these calls are automated. I have no idea who you'll be speaking to.

Me: No, it'll be you. You said we have an appointment.

Sears: I put the appointment in for your call back, so the automated system will dial your number at that time.

Me: Well how am I going to be guaranteed customer satisfaction if you keep switching callers on me? I need consistency if I'm gonna finish "the job". Just push the buttons at 10:05 and make sure it's you.

Sears: Ok sir. Anything else?

Me: Yeah, are you gonna call back? I don't need anyone else in on this scam we've got where I return broken cameras for new ones. You could get fired, but I promise to keep your secret if you make the call.

Sears: Ok. Anything else?

Me: Yeah, could we do the video chat thing instead? I finish faster that way.

Sears: Thank you choosing Sears. Someone will be returning your call tomorrow.